I have so many thoughts I want to jot down, and the past week and a half that I was posting my Flying Thoughts series, there were incidents and issues that went flitting. But, I did not want to disrupt the tempo and so I withheld myself. However something so happened that I would like to speak it out, before everything else that I planned to document.
On Tuesday (as in May 18th), my parents (who are currently in the US, spending time with my bro) phoned up. My brother and his girlfriend have finally decided to get married, and the date would be fixed in accordance with their winter vacation. My heart sank.
Of course, I am happy for my bro.
Do you remember I had once spoken of a tradition where the toddlers of the family ride the mare with the groom?
Well, my child would miss the ride yet again. I do not have anybody to offer for that ride. My own brother would not be seating my child on the mare. How can this be?
I missed out in the wedding of my DH's two cousins last year. I told my hurt heart that I would not miss out on my brother's wedding.
Can I ask my brother to not get married till I have a kid and the kid is old enough to sit on the mare with him? I felt such awful twinges of hurt, and jealousy and anger that I don't know what to do. I felt like throwing an id-fuelled tantrum that would perfectly suit a hell-raising five year old not wanting a sibling to get a new toy.
How horrible am I? What did I do so bloody frecking wrong?
Why?
The truth is that the hurt, jealousy and anger were not directed at my bro's happiness, but rose from a wish that would not remain unsatiated, something that could not be challenged or changed.
If I tell this to hubby, he would probably laugh it off. I was attaching too much meaning to a trivial ritual. For me though, it is a mark of something else. It is a cold thought to be swallowed hard and kept down.
^WiseGuy^
On Tuesday (as in May 18th), my parents (who are currently in the US, spending time with my bro) phoned up. My brother and his girlfriend have finally decided to get married, and the date would be fixed in accordance with their winter vacation. My heart sank.
Of course, I am happy for my bro.
Do you remember I had once spoken of a tradition where the toddlers of the family ride the mare with the groom?
Well, my child would miss the ride yet again. I do not have anybody to offer for that ride. My own brother would not be seating my child on the mare. How can this be?
I missed out in the wedding of my DH's two cousins last year. I told my hurt heart that I would not miss out on my brother's wedding.
Can I ask my brother to not get married till I have a kid and the kid is old enough to sit on the mare with him? I felt such awful twinges of hurt, and jealousy and anger that I don't know what to do. I felt like throwing an id-fuelled tantrum that would perfectly suit a hell-raising five year old not wanting a sibling to get a new toy.
How horrible am I? What did I do so bloody frecking wrong?
Why?
The truth is that the hurt, jealousy and anger were not directed at my bro's happiness, but rose from a wish that would not remain unsatiated, something that could not be challenged or changed.
If I tell this to hubby, he would probably laugh it off. I was attaching too much meaning to a trivial ritual. For me though, it is a mark of something else. It is a cold thought to be swallowed hard and kept down.
^WiseGuy^
It's that event you pictured in your mind...I can understand being upset about it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair. Though in the big scheme of things the missed events may seem trivial, but to our hearts they are just another painful landmark of our IF. Sending hugs to you. xx
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry, dear. It should have been your child up there on that mare, and it is mighty unfair this will not be so.
ReplyDeleteI think you will need to come up with a brand new event just so that your child has to do something similar, and if he gets to be the first of the many to do it, the better.
*HUGS*
I completely understand the ... anger? frustration? that you are feeling. Irrational or not, logic and IF are two totally unrelated concepts. I've given up on logic and embraced the illogical thoughts as part of the grief and healing process. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThe things you are feeling are all normal and to be expected. You have carried an image in your heart of how your family would be at the time of your brother's wedding, and it hurts to know that it's not going to come to pass the way you had hoped. I hope that the pain in your heart now will not spoil your enjoyment of your brother's special day. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh yes, the "sarwala" as they call it. I know it must be painful, and it probably makes about a million unfair things swirl through your head. And for a split second, I would almost want to do the same thing, "Hey, bro, can you wait a year or so until I we can produce a new sarwala for you"?
ReplyDeleteSigh, I'm sorry, I know it isn't easy to swallow, I know it doesn't get easier as the days go on.
(*hugs*) I totally get that, we all have little rituals that, whether others think it's important or not, is important to us- and it does hurt when we miss out on these things, after we'd had our hearts set for so long on them. I am sorry for the emotions and everything swirling around right now, you are not alone hun. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry. Sometimes this life can be like walking in a field of landmines, and we never know when we will set one off. It is so hard to see our lives not fit the pattern that is so prescribed...and so desired.
ReplyDeleteUm, that last comment was from me, but you probably realized that.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're horrible or mean or jealous or any of the horrible things you said about yourself. I think you're just a regular person struggling with a very painful situation!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I completely understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it seems that everywhere you turn is a constant reminder of the child you have been denied. It isn't just the baby you are missing, but the rituals that come with being parents. Like you aren't in 'the club.'
ReplyDeleteI so get it. And it is bloody unfair.
What you're feeling is normal and not selfish...
ReplyDeleteIF is so cruel.
((HUGS))
It should be your child up on that mare. Not selfish at all.
ReplyDelete