I think I missed writing about this, but a few days back I wrote a 'difficult' mail to my mother. I put across eight questions, and most of them were about my IF struggle.
I composed the mail, and I let it sit in the drafts for about two days before I actually pressed 'Send Mail'.
I did get a reply. And I know that she tried to answer the questions the best she could. I am NOT convinced on some of the answers. But I was also mildly taken aback by her honest admissions on some of the questions.
I do not want to make life difficult for people around me. But I am not at peace. I am struggling. I am struggling with myself, in my relationships, and I no longer look at God with the rose-tinted glasses anymore.
I do not want things to be heaped on me. Before I figure out whether I would like to do W, I am burdened with the uh-latest X, Y and Z. And I am lost again.
Anyways, I am now delving into finding out more about Pranayam. I do exercise. And as miserable as this may sound, I have to make a very conscious effort to not let go of my practice. I still skip some days.
I am also wondering what the hell is the reason why I never do Vipassana anymore. I like the calm I feel. And I had spontaneously meditated for a little while on last to last Friday. But what kind of a lazybone in me is so strong that I do not stick to what I know is so good for me.
Mummy has sent me a whole array of micronutrients. Actually, it is His and Hers Micronutrients. I know they are good and all, but it makes me want to puke. All those sachets, and evil-smelling pills make me want to gag.
Why do I have to be on this fertility super-diet?
I know that resistance is futile. I also know that I would be jumping superbly into the pills for breakfast thing very well. I am already planning to make 'cards' today, so that neither DH nor I forget the doses. But seriously, when will all this end?
^WiseGuy^
I composed the mail, and I let it sit in the drafts for about two days before I actually pressed 'Send Mail'.
I did get a reply. And I know that she tried to answer the questions the best she could. I am NOT convinced on some of the answers. But I was also mildly taken aback by her honest admissions on some of the questions.
I do not want to make life difficult for people around me. But I am not at peace. I am struggling. I am struggling with myself, in my relationships, and I no longer look at God with the rose-tinted glasses anymore.
I do not want things to be heaped on me. Before I figure out whether I would like to do W, I am burdened with the uh-latest X, Y and Z. And I am lost again.
Anyways, I am now delving into finding out more about Pranayam. I do exercise. And as miserable as this may sound, I have to make a very conscious effort to not let go of my practice. I still skip some days.
I am also wondering what the hell is the reason why I never do Vipassana anymore. I like the calm I feel. And I had spontaneously meditated for a little while on last to last Friday. But what kind of a lazybone in me is so strong that I do not stick to what I know is so good for me.
Mummy has sent me a whole array of micronutrients. Actually, it is His and Hers Micronutrients. I know they are good and all, but it makes me want to puke. All those sachets, and evil-smelling pills make me want to gag.
Why do I have to be on this fertility super-diet?
I know that resistance is futile. I also know that I would be jumping superbly into the pills for breakfast thing very well. I am already planning to make 'cards' today, so that neither DH nor I forget the doses. But seriously, when will all this end?
^WiseGuy^
"But what kind of a lazybone in me is so strong that I do not stick to what I know is so good for me"
ReplyDeleteThe same kind as me - it's weird isn't it! It feels like it's too much effort to bother doing practice yet when (if) I do I feel great. Hmm, not sure what is going on there.
I hope those answers gave you some clarity S.
((hugs))
Sounds like a nice interchange with your mother. I'm glad you had the connection over this, I'm sure it meant a lot to her even if you are less than thrilled at the reason.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do not suffer this much longer. It is surely time.
You are doing everything humanly possible that you can do! I think your time is coming soon...xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm also supposed to be practicing yoga, meditation and pranayama every day, and if it makes you feel better I don't do it either, and it baffles me too since it brings lots of calm to my life. I've come to the conclusion that these things work in waves. There are times in your life when you don't do it and that's OK too!
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to do everything, you know. Do what seems right to you--and don't feel guilty about skipping what doesn't. Your time is coming. :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope this journey of yours takes a new turn soon. And I hope you find a way to peace soon.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree, you it's ok to not to do everything you're supposed to do all the time.
xxx
(*hugs*) I hope that things change for you soon.
ReplyDeleteThat last question is the kicker, isn't it? When will this end? (of course, if we knew how it would end, then we might be able to handle the wait)
ReplyDeletesometimes it feels a bit like a hamster running in the wheel, this infertility mess. I am praying that you are blessed very, very soon.
ReplyDeleteI too hope that things will change for you soon.
ReplyDeleteIt surely sounds like the highest of times for that.
i'm glad you could connect with your mother over this. xxx
ReplyDeleteThinking about you...
ReplyDeleteBig, HUGE ((HUGS))!
I am glad you got a response from your mother - and an honest one at that.
ReplyDeleteI hope this ride comes to an end for you soon.
Hugs and love to you . . .
Seem so wrong for so many to get knocked up without having to resort to trying everything, and maintaining a perfectly balanced life full of loads of extra vitamins...
ReplyDelete