Skip to main content

Coming to Terms


My cruddy self is out, so bear with me. I was feeling very licked after this last BFN. It should not be any different.

After all, I have made it a habit to belt out BFN after BFN after BFN like clockwork.

But then something happened. It is all in the mind, you see.

I have been frolicking in a dark blue and green sea. It is shaded with lime and violet and red. It is pink and orange. It rises and heaves and grasps at everything. I am floating effortlessly.

Wednesday night, I spoke to my mother....after a four day break (the break was not deliberate). I asked her to sing out the whole conversation she had with Dr. Bigshot.

It is since that call that I am floating in the sea. I am not swimming, and I am not drowning.

You see, the doctor wants to meet once before he can chart out some course of action. Any such hint would have me irate, but I don't know what broke in me, and I just was tempted to try it out. My stuckheadedness did not knuckle in at all.

BabySmiling had asked how far would I go for a baby? One thing is certain, geographically atleast I will have to go far. I live in Ho, with limited medical options. For my IVF#1, I travelled to Small-Ho. And if Dr. Bigshot is in my diary of appointments, I will be travelling to Big-Ho.

Now that my resistance is gone, I will just have to find out a way to logistically make it a reality. However, I am still not in favour of dashing out on the next available train/bus/plane and get this done.

I did not do Clomid this month.

I did place an order for and receive my Clomid on time. But my mother had a valid point. Actually, Dr. BigShot had a point.

If I was ovulating spontaneously, then why was I medicating and kicking ovary ass unnecessarily. He pointed out that unless a specific need was felt, I should not be striving so hard to deplete my ovarian reserve. That's a bingo point.

I am going on a treatment break. I am not on a TTC break.

I am going to be trying every single month. If AF arrives, I will still have the licked feeling. But I will figure out what to do once I get to meet Dr. BigShot. And I will meet Dr. BigShot only once my thesis is finally bound and submitted.

One of my fears is that if I go meet him anytime sooner, I will immediately want to do whatever is his recommendation.

On a very superficial, skimmed reports basis, Dr. BigShot does not feel that I need IVF to conceive. It is both a hope as well as a source of exasperation. What if he too starts with, 'let's try a few natural cycles'? It would mean prolonged grating pain. If he has any other plans, well I don't know.

My deadline to myself for this thesis is April. It may exceed the deadline. But I hope to wrap it up soon enough, so that I can then spend undivided energy on realizing a goal that I only have a few years to try for.

Going to Big-Ho, and going under the medical care of Dr. BigShot has its ramifications. If I were to pursue anything long term like IVF or so, it would mean a good shakeout so far as my location and job status quo is concerned.

I love rocking the boat.

Maybe I won't have to make the trip to Dr. BigShot at all. That is what I am hoping right now.

Or, Dr. BigShot is a Rainmaker. Either this or that.




^WiseGuy^

Labels:

Comments

  1. Baby Smiling In Back Seat7 February 2010 at 14:12

    When I asked how far you would go, geography was not what I had in mind, but in fact traveling for treatments is just as "far" as the other measures we take. Maybe more.

    I hope that Dr. BigShot is your Rainmaker.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharon7 February 2010 at 14:13

    Sounds like a good and sensible plan Wiseguy. No point in rushing into anything, take your time! But Dr Bigshot sounds like a smart man!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Barbara7 February 2010 at 18:10

    From what you write, I have a good feeling for you concerning Dr Bigshot (great name!) So many medical professionals reach instinctively for the prescription pad and hearing of someone questioning medication is refreshing.

    A good plan is a good place to start (again!).

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. L7 February 2010 at 19:06

    Sounds logical, but the logistics will surely be a challenge. It's something, and in the grand scheme of TTC, something is better than nothing. I have high hopes for you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wishing 4 One7 February 2010 at 20:49

    Sounds like a plan. Where is Ho and big-Ho and little-Ho, LOL???

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kristin (kekis)7 February 2010 at 23:34

    I think you are doing a good job finding a balance between the emotions you have and the logical side of it all. Having a plan will help give you some peace and make sure you have a life in the process. Your party is far from over. Don't forget that I will share my pep rally music with you whenever you need it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Heather8 February 2010 at 03:24

    I'm extremely proud of you...and, I think you are wiser than anyone!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Quiet Dreams8 February 2010 at 04:26

    Your cruddy self writes beautifully, so there's that.

    This whole situation just scrapes the old wounds over and over. I hope if you do see this doctor, that he does not give you the same old, same old.

    Here's to newness and to miracles that hide out for a while before surprising us.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The Steadfast Warrior8 February 2010 at 10:48

    Looks you you and my bubby have the smae deadline for your thesis. Hoping you don't need to go see Dr. BigShot but if you do I'm really hoping he will take you past attempts into consideration.

    Floating is good. It's not a bad place to be. I'm almost there...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Gabby9 February 2010 at 13:10

    i wholly believe in trying new doctors and new clinics. And BigShot sounds like he's got a brain in his head. I really hope he's got the magic bullet for you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnotherDreamer10 February 2010 at 01:46

    Best wishes on the thesis! I hope you don't need to see Dr. Bigshot at all... and if you, I hope he is able to help you make your dream a reality. (*hugs*)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Once A Mother10 February 2010 at 09:14

    Ugh! waiting sucks. bfn's suck. infertility sucks! sucks! sucks! I hope that you don't need dr. bigshot, or that if you do that dr. bigshot can find an easy way to babyland for you. you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. best wishes, too, on the thesis.

    ReplyDelete
  13. kmina10 February 2010 at 14:20

    It is good that you have a plan for the near future. Gives you structure. And hopefully you will be more efficient writing your thesis. But don't forget to count in revision - hubs was getting very impatient with his professor that kept revising one sentence at a time... I hope yours is less picky or at least more coordinated and gives you the comments back in time.

    I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. one-hit_wonder26 February 2010 at 03:41

    that sounds like a good plan to me. best wishes on the thesis and on dr bigshot's plans. xxx

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Should Have Known

...On the night of 19th when my breasts became hard and sore to touch, the nurses brought me hot water bottles rather than my baby. I should have known. ...Birdman was apparently away to Very Big City with our baby. Every SMS update sent to me about her after 16th Jan was fake. I was a donkey eating at his trough. I should have known. ...Visitors who came to see me in the hospital did not look me straight in the eye. I should have known. ...My mother sounded reluctant every time I asked her on a timeline on when my stitches would be cut and I could travel to Very Big City. I should have known. ...I grieved at how many pricks and tubes were affixed to my little baby while she lay cold and unfeeling at the bottom of an earth pit fatigued from all the effort she put into staying alive. I should have known. ...Family dropped clues on how oxygen deprivation could affect the brain. I spelt it out for them. I told them that Lola was my daughter even if she came out r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d from the o...
111 comments
Read more

Season...

With very limited time and access to the netz, I just want to declare that Lady Season is here. She arrived last Wednesday, and I will someday in future speak of how due to SuperPed's preparedness a crisis was averted. I tend to have firework endings. Her with me, and my first chance of mothering is like a spray of cold water on my face. I am very sleep deprived. Apparently, wise birds said to me that I should sleep when the girl sleeps, but so far my body schedule and kid's schedule are haywire. I hope to be better adapted to this soon. It is tough for me to find net time as of now, and there are a couple of things I want to post online, since CBub's dates also passed by recently, but so far it does not seem to be happening. And I just want to say thanks. Even though I am craptastic at responding, I am reading off and on as I can manage.
50 comments
Read more