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Won't You Congratulate Me?


It kicked in that on September 13, 2009 I had completed five years of my dragon quest for becoming a mother.

What kind of an anniversary is that? The Five Year Itch? If Marilyn Monroe would have starred in this saga would she have screamed blonde jokes?

Hmmm....maybe I should come out with brunette jokes?

Sometime in 2004....I swallowed my last birth control pill, thinking no more preventing....

Five years for a bloody baby of my own?

Five years of freckin' waiting for Baby #1?

Can you read into the text and see that I am still talking of the baby in ordinal terms, and not absolute terms....I am not saying one...that I am referring to it as the 'first'....

Hmmm...as disjointed as I am getting...I had wished hoped for planned for Baby 1 to happen by the time I was 30 and the Baby 2 to happen by the time I was 32-33. That would have ensured that I had finished adding to my family by the time I was 35.

I will be 32 in December....I started at the right time....I was 26 when I went off BCP...it had given God 4 years leeway to get his darned blessings together.

Lately, I am perenially scared that by the time I get pregnant, I may have overgrown the desire to be a mother and be considerate of a life beyond mine. Or would have lost the desire to scamper around an individual who is looking at the parents to nurture him/her in the wide wide world.

^WiseGuy^

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Comments

  1. Barbara15 September 2009 at 15:53

    I'm 42, and believe me the desire is strong.

    And congratulations, yes, on surviving the past 5 years.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mrs. Gamgee15 September 2009 at 18:52

    I agree with Barbara... surviving with your sanity intact is something to celebrate! I understand the wondering too... is this something I truly want or have I just been striving toward it for so long that I can't imagine my life outside of trying?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Baby Smiling In Back Seat15 September 2009 at 19:23

    "Happy" Anniversary.

    I don't keep track of a specific TTC start date, so the anniversaries would always sneak up on me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. K15 September 2009 at 19:46

    I really think the worry of "maybe I don't want this anymore" is an act of self-preservation, a ploy to get you around all the continued heart ache. I know when I tend to feel that way, it's a result of high frustration levels with TTC.

    I'm pretty certain this cycle has tanked, and my question of the day is, "Where is my G*d damn baby?" Nice, eh? I feel like our sentiments are similar, though you've got more time in, unfortunately.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Pundelina15 September 2009 at 20:53

    5 years - what a bitch life is sometimes. As Eden so aptly said recently, that sucks dogs balls. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long for baby #1 and I hope that baby arrives post-haste.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Beautiful Mess15 September 2009 at 21:37

    I, too, agree with Barb. Congratulations on SURVIVING 5 year of infertility hell. It sucks, plain and simple.

    Sending you lots of love.
    *HUGS*

    ReplyDelete
  7. mylifechronicles15 September 2009 at 23:40

    5 years is a hell of a long time... so Congrats for living it up and showing IF who's boss for that!

    ReplyDelete
  8. IF Optimist, then...16 September 2009 at 00:33

    5 grueling years. I'm around there too. I agree with the others, at least we are still mostly sane and have a much more amusing and clever bitter streaks. Lets go bake some fucking cupcakes and just relax. As far as whether you'll feel the desire to be a mother and considerate of another life...I think yes.

    ReplyDelete
  9. becomingwhole16 September 2009 at 01:29

    It takes something more than the average bear has to make it through five years of hell and come out with as much beauty and grace as you bring to this world.

    Congratulations on your heartbreak. I wish it were not so.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kristin16 September 2009 at 03:24

    5 years...you have such strength and grace despite 5 years of hell. Congrats on surviving and I hope your blessings come soon.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lynn16 September 2009 at 03:59

    I understand. I'm right there with you. We will celebrate our 6 year TTC anniversary on the same day we celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary - November 23. Its coming up very soon.

    I'm also wondering if maybe I'm wanting something that I will be over by the time it happens. I've been questioning myself a lot lately that I'll miss our days out by ourselves and the things we do that are just The Hubs and I. But then I think about the child-that-could-be and I know what I really want is our child.

    Try not to think too much about it being 5 years (impossible, I know) and everyday keep saying "Soon. Soon it will be my turn." I'll be praying it happens very soon for you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rambler16 September 2009 at 06:51

    I only congratulate if there's cake (preferrably chocolate!!) or at least some jalebis. :)

    Seriously though, I too have to change my blog description and now have it say "3 years". So I can feel the frustration as the years pass by. And even more frustration at age not being your friend.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Aunt Becky16 September 2009 at 08:13

    Sending you love and light.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnotherDreamer16 September 2009 at 10:22

    Ungh, these anniversaries are the worst. I am thinking of you and sending you (*hugs*)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sharon16 September 2009 at 16:07

    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  16. Clare17 September 2009 at 04:03

    5 years is a long time to be holding on to hope and waiting - but you do it with dignity. Hoping you don't even have to wait 5 months, no 5 weeks, no 5 days more!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. PFM17 September 2009 at 05:25

    A difficult timeline to say the least. I was nearly 26 when I went off BCP. I am a mother but still hold hope or pregnancy. I will be 32 in FEbruary. THinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Kristin (kekis)17 September 2009 at 08:38

    I won't congratulate you for a sucky five years, but I will congratulate you for surviving them. That says a lot about your strength of character and determination. I've had the same thoughts of wondering if I should simply hang up my hat and move on with life. I just can't though. I understand why you can't either.

    ReplyDelete
  19. MrsSpock18 September 2009 at 02:44

    4 years is far too long :(.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sunny19 September 2009 at 08:52

    Five years... way too long. I'm sorry that you are reaching this "anniversary." I hope there's no six.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Photogrl19 September 2009 at 23:05

    I, too, planned how it would all work out.

    I was way wrong.

    Hoping you don't reach this "anny" again.

    ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  22. one-hit_wonder19 September 2009 at 23:30

    Congrats on surviving. Although congrats feels like the wrong word to use.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jamie21 September 2009 at 07:20

    Yes - congratulations on staying strong and pushing forward for these last five years.

    I know the feeling - I often wondered if I wanted to be a mother so much as I wanted a baby just because I couldn't have one.

    ReplyDelete

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