Getting struck with something you did not presume to exist in your mind is a strange feeling.
Or perhaps getting struck boldly with something that sometime crossed your thought field is a strange feeling.
I was getting congratulatory phone calls from some family yesterday over something, and at some point then...I was thinking that perhaps I am not a mother, because I really do not actually have the mental make-up of a mother.
Longing for a child is fine...but I can play when it plays, and when it poos, I still have the privilege of handing over the baby to the caretaker, but maybe I just don't have the stamina of living with the reality of the dream I think I want but I may be wanting it just because I do not have it.
It is a very scary prospect. I thought about it and immediately corrected myself.
I tried to bring myself to my senses, but I was thinking at the previous moment too. I was in my senses even then.
Getting my PhD would open even more career growth avenues for me. What do I want?
My PhD could be a ticket to attractive opportunities, including overseas appointments.
So maybe God has been saving me, and pushing me ahead in the path of my dreams...not the dreams I thought I wanted, but the dreams that are actually me - my Ayaan - my core.
These are thoughts that make me feel very guilty...maybe I am a sham...not with the world...maybe a part of me knows what it wants but another part refuses to acknowledge it.
Random.
^WiseGuy^
Image Courtesy: http://confidenceandjoy.com/are-weeds-growing-in-your-head/
You know, I've actually had quite a few thoughts of, what if I am only interested in the chase right now? I was finding myself getting so caught up in each month and living for the current day, that it was/is/can be hard for me to feel the push for being a mother; I was so caught up in just actually getting pregnant. For me, it's a self-preservation mechanism, and I'm glad I finally got myself over it.
ReplyDeleteYou can still do overseas appointments with a child, but I know you know this. I think sometimes we just think too much. I also think that's just who we are.
I've thought many of those same thoughts myself. But, ultimately I know what I need- to be a mother. It may not be in my time, but in some time.
ReplyDeleteThe thing for me is... the longer it's taken me to become a parent, the more scared I'm getting of actually becoming a parent. But that's a post for another day :)
(*hugs*) your way. Your thoughts are your own, and I think most of our thoughts tumble around this area at some point and time. You know, you can still have a career and a child, it's possible, even if it can be hard.
What it comes down to though, is what you truly want. No matter what, I'll support you.
I have had those thoughts too. What if I finally get the 'dream come true' and discover that I am a terrible mother? Am I desiring this so much because it's what I'm supposed to want at this stage in my life? OR is it a genuine desire of my heart?
ReplyDeleteI think the longer we have to wait for this particular dream, the more time we have to obsess over what comes next.
Sending prayers for peace and answers... ((hugs))
I thought through the same thing, what I really wanted in the next stage of my life when I started this journey. I decided I knew what path I would PREFER, a path that included a family, being a mother, incorporating another person and that love into my life. I also knew that if it didn't happen that I would be OK to choose another path. With some regrets perhaps but ultimately I would try to find joy in my life no matter what its outcome. Good luck on your journey, whatever you choose. I know you will be fabulous.
ReplyDeleteI do believe we have different parts ot ourselves. Many actually. This is one of the big problems we try to work on when we go to therapy. We are all here to try to be whole, to come out of these many self-divisions and unify desires, thoughts and selves. We can be stuck wanting something because biology screams for that, or because of any stubborn reason. It has happened to me that I wanted something really bad for a long time and it didn't happen. After a while something else, wonderful, came along and I could understand why things had not aligned according to my desires in the first place. Examining your reasons, going deep, will be the best way to find out where your desire for a baby is springing from, and only you will know if those are the right reasons for you.
ReplyDeleteI like what Mrs. Gamgee said - the longer we wait, the more time we have to obsess.
ReplyDeleteI think we have all had these thoughts. Do I really want a baby or do I just want it so badly because I can't have one?
One of the most awful thoughts I have had since this pregnancy is looking back on the last three years TTC and all of the things we have done that wouldn't have been possible with children in tow. I'm not happy to have experienced miscarriage or have lost those babies but I'm happy we took that trip, cruise, had that experience, etc.
IF does funny things to you.
I honestly have NO words of wisdom or anything that could possibly help you through this. But reading the comments, I think these woman are right. The thoughts are yours and yours alone. They may just be a mean trick your mind is playing on you. Sending you lots of love and peace, hon.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
I agree with Mrs. Gamgee, time and your own mind can be enemies as well as friends. I think we've all thought along these lines and the answers we come to are as different as we are. I hope you find it easy to come to peace with whatever is in your heart.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting stuff to ponder. But I'm going to have to agree with the others... it's likely your mind playing with you as IF pushes the clock slowly forward...
ReplyDeleteYou will be an excellent mother.
I've asked myself this same question over and over again and still don't know the answer, I guess there's only one way to find out.........
ReplyDeleteWiseguy, I think at some point along this journey we all have these thoughts or thoughts similar to these... I think it's a self preservation thing, we tell ourselves we'll be better aunties to our family and friends children cos sometimes the thought of never getting them for ourselves is too unbearable... We console ourselves with thoughts of career ocs the thought of not having one to fall back on if we don't achieve our dreams is unbearable...
ReplyDeleteIt does not mean you want that dream any less.
xxx
Sweetie, your mind is playing tricks on you like it does to any of us who has had their child bearing plans altered or obliterated by infertility. You would make a fabulous mom.
ReplyDeleteI like the word Ayaan. When I saw videos about Law of attraction , positive thinking blah..and it did not work for me in the infertility land, I had the exact same thought. More food for thought for me.
ReplyDeleteSending you love.
ReplyDeleteI got stuck on this one: "I may be wanting it just because I do not have it."
ReplyDeleteA very wise woman said to me once, "We may never know our true motivations for anything." That has stayed with me and allowed me to forgive myself for having what I see as less than "pristine" motivation (and why do we have to have this, anyway?).
For other reasons, this post sticks with me. I will try to gather some thoughts for you later, when my life is a bit less transitory (like this weekend!).
Much, much, much affection and hugs.
If you didn't have such thoughts and doubts at some point during this battle of IF, I wouldn't think you were human.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending ((HUGS))...