…that it is almost a year to my IVF w/ICSI #1.
…that I still feel sad that there were no second chances for me from that cycle.
…that it still hurts that none of them are with me.
…that I occasionally have very angry thoughts against God.
…that when I am not very angry, I am upset with God.
…that maybe in a certain time gap from now, I will understand why it happened the way it happened, but by the time I figure it out, I am likely to continue feeling like this.
…of some technique by which it can be identified as to what path does the released egg take from the ovary to the fallopian tube. It can be identified whether ovulation occurred, but can it be identified whether the egg travelled into the fallopian tubes or not?
…that what I realized on Friday was that the desktop wallpaper that I have had for the past fortnight happens to be
…that I still feel sad that there were no second chances for me from that cycle.
…that it still hurts that none of them are with me.
…that I occasionally have very angry thoughts against God.
…that when I am not very angry, I am upset with God.
…that maybe in a certain time gap from now, I will understand why it happened the way it happened, but by the time I figure it out, I am likely to continue feeling like this.
…of some technique by which it can be identified as to what path does the released egg take from the ovary to the fallopian tube. It can be identified whether ovulation occurred, but can it be identified whether the egg travelled into the fallopian tubes or not?
…that what I realized on Friday was that the desktop wallpaper that I have had for the past fortnight happens to be
^WiseGuy^
Image Courtesy: http://media.photobucket.com/image/anne%20geddes%20wallpaper/Helenita35/Lenita/6q_2_AnneGeddes_Wallpaper03.jpg
I think that being angry/upset with God is normal. At least, it's normal for me. Especially when I see teenagers becoming pregnant with their abusive boyfriend's babies or people becoming celebrities simply because they have a bunch of multiples... If God wanted all of these babies to be in existance, why didn't He think it was a good idea to give some of these babies to families that want them so badly, rather than giving 8-14 to one family or giving them to a family that can't possibly give them a good life. Being mad at God has become a part of my life - not one that I'm particularly proud of, but it's there nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI have no comments, just hugs.
ReplyDeleteWe're here with you. It hurts every day. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteI question things all the time. Like what L said. Why do "those" families or people get babies and they can't take care of them? Why can't my dear friends who are MORE then capable of taking care of them, have a baby? It's unfair and not right.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have so many unanswered questions. I wish you answers and peace. I'm always here for you.
*HUGS*
hugs, hugs, and more hugs
ReplyDeleteLots of (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteI also think it's normal to have that anger and uncertainty.
And, just so you know you're not alone there... I have an iGoogle homepage on my computer, and I have the artist setting of it set on Anne Geddes.
Everything you are feeling is normal. I remember one time I was actually alone in the house shortly after a loss and I was getting ready for my oldest son's birthday party. The whole time I was setting things up I had a raging, screaming, how-the-hell-could-you-let-this-happen conversation out loud with God. Anyone who walked in on it would have carted me off to the loony bin but it made me feel so much better.
ReplyDeleteOops, I hit post before I could say {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI don't know if we'll ever really understand.... Its very unfair and its ok to be angry!!
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
I hate when people say that it will all make sense someday and that ours is not to question why. Why can't I know NOW and why can't I question WHY??? Why is it so easy for some and so difficult for others? Why can't the women that would be the best moms not becoming moms here on earth? All this to say that I understand your anger and wish I could fix it for you.
ReplyDeleteI am catching up on several days of posts and just wanted to let you know that I am reading and thinking of you as you go through this cr*p.
ReplyDeleteRight there with you sister. Right next to you. I don't understand why things are happening the way they are. I am tired of hearing "there's a reason for everything". One of the most used cliches in life.
ReplyDeleteI have angry conversations with God, I get upset enough that I don't even want to go to Gurudwara. But at the end of the day, my faith is the smallest sliver of hope I have left to hang on to.
And side note....I too wonder about "did the egg make it down the tube". Especially now with my newest story on ovaries.
Huge hugs to you.
As far as I know, they can't know if the egg made it down the tube. But I'm not an expert in ANY way. I'll be curious to see if you get any responses to that.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are carrying this pain. More (((((hugs))))) from me.
More hugs and holding you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm still mad at God, too. It seems to be a normal feeling.
xxx