Imperfect Thoughts of an Impure Mind

I can't believe
This could be the end

The anatomy of grief is surprisingly foxy…the expression good grief, is a really funny one.

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Well, what can be told to somebody who has been standing in these trenches for so long? Nothing. I am expected to know. I was expected to know.

But the wide-eyed gawky teenager in me refuses to sit down. Underneath these eyes, are the eyes of this teenager, and I expect the eyes of all my other personalities to be lurking around at the same place.

If I had been making a fantasy movie…I would have shot myself standing barefoot at a cliff, overlooking a giant sea, with the moon over my head. The hands raised and facing the sky would have held a giant slithery sperm by its tail in one, and a ball-of-iron ovum in the other.

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening

Why is Aaafra Faafra playing with me? Because I am at the core of Kafka’s Metamorphosis. Only that, rather than becoming a giant, thousand-legged insect, I am turning into a mouse, I suppose. And mice are playmates, before they become appetizers.

I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons

DH has forgotten that his wife is a woman. And women get their periods. A few days back he had asked me about whether I was down yet or not. Of course, I was not.

And then a couple of days he was like, “When are we having sex?”, and of course, he was denied information about that too, given that nothing was possible till I was waiting. With that no, I managed to crank his unhappiness index a little higher.

Oh
I can't look at you
This morning
I should probably have a sign
That says
'Leave right now or quicker'

Monday, I did not tell him that I went for a blood draw. Tuesday, I did not reveal what the blood draw said. Fantastic. A sliced journey of hope-failure-despair was entirely lost in the household.

But it's different now
It's morning
And I can't face your smile

I really wanted this cycle to work. I began with a positive approach. I planned out the cycle. We even hit each other on the right dates. Everything went fine. Aafra Faafra should have come in its right time. This is not fair.

You're too close to me
And that's why
You have to leave

I can’t believe that all these years, I have been running round, and round and round the same circle, with the same effect….it begins at the same point where it ends and ends at the same point where it begins. Even a donkey would have understood by this time.

But I am not a donkey. I am a human. And even though my intellect is quite established, lessons of repeated failure are a subjective phenomenon, and I know that I am going to work with optimism towards the future cycles, even if I staggering at this point of time, and my sense of self efficacy in this regard is dented.


^WiseGuy^



P.S. Song Lyrics in this post: ‘Don’t Speak’ by No Doubt and ‘Don’t Believe in Love’ by Dido.