With the riding risk of sounding profound for my hundredth post, the burden of which is gleefully abandoned, I just want to focus on the mundane barren existence that I lead. I wonder how long will it be when people/families/relatives/peers may believe that we are that one couple they know, who may never have any kids. And so even though we end up being loved uncle and aunts, we may never be loved parents.
I was taking leave of relatives we (me, my parents and hubby) went to meet last evening. As I was about to deposit myself in the warm confines of the car, the parting remark made at me was
I smiled back (yes, I did) and replied whether she despised my freedom. It was a silent blow for me and a kind I am slowly learning to handle very well. I have never fumbled for answers, ever! But I used to be emotionally hit by the remarks first and then would come out with suitable responses (process taking nanoseconds). However, there seems to be some insulated cover on my brain now. I respond without chewing the alphabets first. But that does not take away the pleasure of late thinking, does it?
I have to admit, it has struck me more than once, that I have more flexibility and freedom attached to my daily life. I can go back home and have a quiet cup of coffee, without first having to change diapers or fret over feeding bottles, or new clothes or sick babies or unfinished homework or emergency doctor visits or notes from teachers about indiscipline or excessive talking or bruised knees and cut fingers. I cherish my freedom, but not at the cost of giving up on having children and rearing them into individuals, I want to be proud of. I want to love. I want to say to somebody that these are my children and that I gave birth to them. And even though I am not the best mother ever, I am definitely blessed.
How many people who ask me questions of this kind or pass remarks have ever sat on a toilet seat with something in their hands and mourning that this is what I was once upon a time, and that every living human ever really was just this mass? How many times have people wanted to finger it and wonder what it means or how it changes them? How many of these people burst into random tears? How many people look at it and think as to where the hands and feet would have grown? And has somebody been crazy or sadistic enough to wonder if one should be taking pictures of it? Since my IRL acquaintances are most likely to end up saying no, there is no use of talking any deep meaning, realistic assessments of their prospects in being called Uncles or Aunts to my kids. Hey, I might respond like this next time (just to see the expressions, for once in my life)-
^WiseGuy^
I was taking leave of relatives we (me, my parents and hubby) went to meet last evening. As I was about to deposit myself in the warm confines of the car, the parting remark made at me was
And S, now give us some good news quickly!
I smiled back (yes, I did) and replied whether she despised my freedom. It was a silent blow for me and a kind I am slowly learning to handle very well. I have never fumbled for answers, ever! But I used to be emotionally hit by the remarks first and then would come out with suitable responses (process taking nanoseconds). However, there seems to be some insulated cover on my brain now. I respond without chewing the alphabets first. But that does not take away the pleasure of late thinking, does it?
I have to admit, it has struck me more than once, that I have more flexibility and freedom attached to my daily life. I can go back home and have a quiet cup of coffee, without first having to change diapers or fret over feeding bottles, or new clothes or sick babies or unfinished homework or emergency doctor visits or notes from teachers about indiscipline or excessive talking or bruised knees and cut fingers. I cherish my freedom, but not at the cost of giving up on having children and rearing them into individuals, I want to be proud of. I want to love. I want to say to somebody that these are my children and that I gave birth to them. And even though I am not the best mother ever, I am definitely blessed.
How many people who ask me questions of this kind or pass remarks have ever sat on a toilet seat with something in their hands and mourning that this is what I was once upon a time, and that every living human ever really was just this mass? How many times have people wanted to finger it and wonder what it means or how it changes them? How many of these people burst into random tears? How many people look at it and think as to where the hands and feet would have grown? And has somebody been crazy or sadistic enough to wonder if one should be taking pictures of it? Since my IRL acquaintances are most likely to end up saying no, there is no use of talking any deep meaning, realistic assessments of their prospects in being called Uncles or Aunts to my kids. Hey, I might respond like this next time (just to see the expressions, for once in my life)-
Oh Yes, the good news, you ask? I flushed it down the toilet accidentally in December. Care to find it?
^WiseGuy^
((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThat is the only reason why I haven't spoken to my relatives in a while. I haven't quite mastered the act of ignoring their remarks but I am getting better at it. Now-a-days I just respond with a "We'll see" or a "OK" and not say anything more. Hope we get good at it over time!
Hi there (took me a while, but I found my way here). I give sharp retorts, too, to people who say such things to me. I'm sorry you have to hear such hurtful things from people who should love you the most. ~one-hit_wonder
ReplyDeleteGrrrr. I just don't understand why people think these kinds of comments are okay! There are times I really want to snap back with some bitting yet witty coment but I never do. Sometimes I'll gently tell them that things aren't as simple as they want them to be, but that'a a rare conversation.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your 100th post!
Congrats on reaching 100!
ReplyDeleteIt's no consolation, but people who've dealt with IF and miscarriage can be insensitive too. Someone in my family who dealt with multiple miscarriages and IF is one of the people who's little comments I most dread... though after DH gave her the verbal beat-down last time, she may finally shut up.
Maybe you can't answer this, but do you think that there is more family pressure on you to have children than there would be for a woman in North America? The sense I get from people I know who've moved from your country to mine is that married women, with or without children, have less freedom there than here -- in many ways.
(*HUGS*) I am so sorry they said that to you.
ReplyDeleteI always get caught off guard by those questions, and never have a smart answer on hand. I usually don't bother responding at all anymore, sometimes I just tell them flat out I can't have children... I'm sure if I ever do they'll be very surprised...
Before I go to family events I find that I practice retorts in my head to comments. Isn't that sad!!!
ReplyDelete*ICLW 66*
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Nobody should have to.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you have to deal with those comments, it is unfair. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteGoing through adoption and some of the fertility stuff made me so much more aware of those sorts of flippant remarks I used to toss off to people. We're just always so sure we know what is going on for people and when it's ok to be lighthearted, when really we never do.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're facing this right now. It's hard.
Those comments always leave me at a loss. If a make a remark back, I'm too sensitive. If I don't, I feel that I should have said something.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult.
ICLW
Ugh! So stupid. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your 100th post!
Congrats on 100! I think people don't understand what they say sometimes. It's just like asking "How are you?" every day. No one really wants to KNOW. I know because there have been times, especially during the dark days of IVF, that I tried to talk to them and then they just looked at me like I had two heads. My feeling--then don't ask! Same with these people with their throw away lines like the "good news" remark. Its so insensitive not to think about who you are talking to. I like your response! :-)
ReplyDeleteoh this post.... touched me so deeply.
ReplyDeleteLucky for me questions about having kids are not a constant in our lives, but as I started my round of meeting new babies here during my vacation, of course I was bound to have that asked at least once. I still never know what to say.
The part where you mention the freedom you have, but would give up for the beauty of rearing children was, well, beautiful.
{{{Hugs}}}...I would love to see there face if you respond that way one day.
ReplyDeleteWell, they asked...!! ; ) (Here from the Friday Roundup.)
ReplyDeleteThe longer this infertility thing goes on (and we're coming up on two years of IVF shortly), the harder it is for me to be around most people without making sharp retorts. It's a combo of people say the stupidest things and me being covered in psychological bruises at this point from the whole process. I know people want to try to "get it" but geez they just usually can't.
ReplyDeleteGood news is hard to come by sometimes, no?
I've taken to saying to people, when I have good news, you'll be among the first to know (i.e. shut up and stop asking me about it!)
Mo