The Seeds of Darkness

I have not turned cold. No, I am getting these bouts where tears do escape me. Today evening, my mother sat down on the floor, laid her head on my lap and just kept her head down. I know she was seeking some warm reassurance from me. That is what I did not give to her. I would have balled out - cried like crazy and somehow I am not into public displays of my frustration with myself, with God (I really am upset with this guy) and with why I always have to have the harder path to achieving simple things that seem to fall effortlessly into other people's life. I could not give in. Who needs that reassurance more?

Yesterday night, almost my whole family cried in front of me. Dad and bro had their share of tears when I was not there. But my mother followed me upstairs. I wanted to take a bath. She did not let me go till we bear-hugged. She was shaken. She was like - "Oh God, so many injections, so many tablets?". She almost feels responsible for me for having gone through this ordeal. God made a jackass out of me. Why was I so stupidly euphoric? Was it Lupride or Ecstacy they were giving me?

When I was younger, I used to give my parents a hard time in taking my tablets and I was totally scared of taking pricks. And here I was, taking pricks and tablets, day after day, with minimum fuss. Some days, I took as many as 13 tablets and 3 injections per day. Recently, when a nurse attending to me asked about cooperating, I mentally socked her. I could have created a ruckus for atleast 30 minutes, if I wanted to. One lady who went prick-baiting before me started yelling even before the nurse got within three feet of her. And I just pushed my palm in my mouth and tried to not look at the prick and she told me that cooperating will make my life easier? Well, to be fair, my turn was immediate to the boo hoo lady and probably that is why she talked to me like that.

My parents wanted me to postpone my travel back to City G tomorrow, by a couple of days. I know that it is of no use. I am already behind my work schedule magnificently. I have to be back to fulfill the gossip appetite of my fellow colleagues. More than anything, I want to have some quality talk with DH about all this. I know that though he is upset about this, he is still hopeful of a later success. I was speaking to him on the phone today in the forenoon and he said, "We will try again sometime later". I am so thankful. I need emotional and physical repairing, but my support system is already in place.

We are anticipating guests at home on Sunday, and then our landlord is seeking the use of some of our rooms (to accommodate few guests arriving for his son's wedding) and I think that there will be no peace for some days. I hope that I can re-focus and prioritize my life again, especially as some groundwork gets laid for my PhD synopsis.

But I am not feeling a lot. I am just swimming in a vacuum. I was in shock yesterday. Today, I am coherent but distant. I have been quiet for most of the day and I do not know what will trigger the floodgates to open. I am not angry, not depressed. But I am angry and I am depressed. I don't hold my mother responsible for all this (not even a micro zero percent). She is doing it to herself. She took a formal oath that she will not eat sweets (unless given as 'prasad') till I have my baby in my arms. I told my mother that this will only compound the pressure on my head. This, according to her, has got nothing to do with me, but is between my mother and her God. Great! So, I am basically butting into a situation, which originally is my situation. I do not want her suffering, but I can't stop it.

Am I walking in smoke right now?

BTW, my cruel doctor (the first time I have called him that) said that I had full chances of conceiving naturally.

What is this?


^WiseGuy^