Monday:
It’s night time. A session of lovemaking is in progress. On my side of the bed lies a copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. On his side of the bed, there is a copy of Robin Cook’s Outbreak. We are close to a fine conclusion, when I mentally work upon – “Hmmmm…will my child prefer Robin Cook over Plath?”. Can I see your jaw dropping here…just wait!
Tuesday:
We are returning home after dinner. Turn on the radio to find a beautiful track playing. I liked the song a lot when that particular movie released and over the period of time, try as hard as I could, I was not able to recall its first line. So when the song came on, not only did I not give it all my ears, but I also started wondering why did I forget to scout more the last time I thought of it. Then I start wondering about whether I should set it as my dialer tone? (Dialer tone is the music heard by anyone calling my mobile number). Then I think that since the song is about a mother searching for a son she has lost, people my think that I am giving secret messages and my mother will positively cry. Change of Dialer tone plan – firmly grounded!
Wednesday:
Lunch with colleagues in progress and everyone’s as usual topic of discussion is their respective children. I count heads on the table – seven, all married. All of them have kids, except me – the barren, childless, infertile, call me whatever, woman! Then I do the maths again. I am not the only one minus kids! Hey, dear colleague X also does not have kids; she is not cohabiting with her DH (he is working in a different country). So technically, I am not the only one minus kids. Hmmmm…X is older than me…she has not even started. Is she infertile too? Guess who was playing Jekyll and Hyde?
Thursday:
Putting up a post for the award that Elana has given me and simultaneously opening through the ICLW list for this month. I go read a blog (Mrs. Spock’s) and I come to know that Emilie has passed away yesterday. Oh my God! Such a young life lost to that demonic disease. Her children are so young. They need their mother, don’t they? What was God thinking? My guilt surfaces. My parents were close to a particular family and the wife died of breast cancer. And she kept talking about wanting to meet me. I could not meet her before her death and since that day, I have not been to their home. I just don’t know what will be the right thing to tell her son or what will I tell Uncle. I can never undo the fact that we could not meet! I am reminded of her every time I take out a red shawl she gifted me. And since it’s winter, all my warm clothes are out.
I also create a ticker in remembrance of my miscarriage. Have a hard time looking for the right word(s) to put there. After rounds of ‘undo’, I just place the date.
Barbara has talked about the ‘missing’. It takes me a while to regain my composure.
Friday:
Reading blogs….miscellaneous stories, different journeys … and I am reading respective ages – 28, 36, 39, 41. I consider my age – about to be 31 (on Dec 29, the day I will be posting this week flashback). Yes, I am about to jump to the 3-0s. I wanted to turn 16 quick and then turn 25. After that, year after year, I have wanted to be 25 only. I wonder, how long will I keep on blogging about failures and missed opportunities. How long will I be able to keep my strength? What will I do when I am XX and still like this? Can I have just one teeny-weeny peek at when I will taste success? Would I be able to move on? Hello?
Saturday:
Had a very subtle reminder of my childless status today in the afternoon. A colleague came to my cabin for general chit-chat. “So when is the little one arriving?”. Incredible! How am I expected to answer that? I just pleaded ignorance. There is nothing more to say. Don’t these people see that I may be having some problem? I was not rubbed with that same secret oil that they were rubbed with, that I could get laid and would get knocked up. I want to curse, think of appropriate abuses, and imagine my ovaries becoming yo-yo balls slapping my colleagues. I ended up being in a foul mood.
Sunday:
Had my last Wysolone today morning after breakfast. I had been tapering the steroid dosage because I can’t withdraw the medicine suddenly. And today, the tablet stuck at the base of my throat, unmoved by the swig of water I had taken. There was an immediate bitter taste in my mouth – and I thought, ‘I am finally free! No more of this dreaded swallow-business from tomorrow’! I am free.
If you really did make it to this sentence, I am so happy that you cared to. I promise to try and not do this feature again! Have a wonderful week and a wonderful new year!
^WiseGuy^
It’s night time. A session of lovemaking is in progress. On my side of the bed lies a copy of Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. On his side of the bed, there is a copy of Robin Cook’s Outbreak. We are close to a fine conclusion, when I mentally work upon – “Hmmmm…will my child prefer Robin Cook over Plath?”. Can I see your jaw dropping here…just wait!
Tuesday:
We are returning home after dinner. Turn on the radio to find a beautiful track playing. I liked the song a lot when that particular movie released and over the period of time, try as hard as I could, I was not able to recall its first line. So when the song came on, not only did I not give it all my ears, but I also started wondering why did I forget to scout more the last time I thought of it. Then I start wondering about whether I should set it as my dialer tone? (Dialer tone is the music heard by anyone calling my mobile number). Then I think that since the song is about a mother searching for a son she has lost, people my think that I am giving secret messages and my mother will positively cry. Change of Dialer tone plan – firmly grounded!
Wednesday:
Lunch with colleagues in progress and everyone’s as usual topic of discussion is their respective children. I count heads on the table – seven, all married. All of them have kids, except me – the barren, childless, infertile, call me whatever, woman! Then I do the maths again. I am not the only one minus kids! Hey, dear colleague X also does not have kids; she is not cohabiting with her DH (he is working in a different country). So technically, I am not the only one minus kids. Hmmmm…X is older than me…she has not even started. Is she infertile too? Guess who was playing Jekyll and Hyde?
Thursday:
Putting up a post for the award that Elana has given me and simultaneously opening through the ICLW list for this month. I go read a blog (Mrs. Spock’s) and I come to know that Emilie has passed away yesterday. Oh my God! Such a young life lost to that demonic disease. Her children are so young. They need their mother, don’t they? What was God thinking? My guilt surfaces. My parents were close to a particular family and the wife died of breast cancer. And she kept talking about wanting to meet me. I could not meet her before her death and since that day, I have not been to their home. I just don’t know what will be the right thing to tell her son or what will I tell Uncle. I can never undo the fact that we could not meet! I am reminded of her every time I take out a red shawl she gifted me. And since it’s winter, all my warm clothes are out.
I also create a ticker in remembrance of my miscarriage. Have a hard time looking for the right word(s) to put there. After rounds of ‘undo’, I just place the date.
Barbara has talked about the ‘missing’. It takes me a while to regain my composure.
Friday:
Reading blogs….miscellaneous stories, different journeys … and I am reading respective ages – 28, 36, 39, 41. I consider my age – about to be 31 (on Dec 29, the day I will be posting this week flashback). Yes, I am about to jump to the 3-0s. I wanted to turn 16 quick and then turn 25. After that, year after year, I have wanted to be 25 only. I wonder, how long will I keep on blogging about failures and missed opportunities. How long will I be able to keep my strength? What will I do when I am XX and still like this? Can I have just one teeny-weeny peek at when I will taste success? Would I be able to move on? Hello?
Saturday:
Had a very subtle reminder of my childless status today in the afternoon. A colleague came to my cabin for general chit-chat. “So when is the little one arriving?”. Incredible! How am I expected to answer that? I just pleaded ignorance. There is nothing more to say. Don’t these people see that I may be having some problem? I was not rubbed with that same secret oil that they were rubbed with, that I could get laid and would get knocked up. I want to curse, think of appropriate abuses, and imagine my ovaries becoming yo-yo balls slapping my colleagues. I ended up being in a foul mood.
Sunday:
Had my last Wysolone today morning after breakfast. I had been tapering the steroid dosage because I can’t withdraw the medicine suddenly. And today, the tablet stuck at the base of my throat, unmoved by the swig of water I had taken. There was an immediate bitter taste in my mouth – and I thought, ‘I am finally free! No more of this dreaded swallow-business from tomorrow’! I am free.
If you really did make it to this sentence, I am so happy that you cared to. I promise to try and not do this feature again! Have a wonderful week and a wonderful new year!
^WiseGuy^
I hope your weeks get easier. I hope for good news for you after March (or even before, who knows)
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you didn't mind me mentioning your missing one.
xxx
Happy happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteI, too, hope your week gets better. And I hope the New Year brings new and wonderful things to your life!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! I'm in my 30s already, very soon to be in my mid 30s! Friends and my dad say that I still behave like a kid. :) So, it's all in the mind. But when I first hit my big 3-0, I was a bit stunned. Where did all the time go?
ReplyDeleteHere's to a great 2009 and next time these people ask such annoying questions like, when is the little one arriving?, just think this: I wish I could pull them by their toe hair. That's what I do all the time! arghs, hate those questions.
((((hugs))))
Happy Birthday To You
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To WiseGuy (who will be the best momma in the world)
Happy Birthday To You!
Happy birthday! I enjoyed reading the week recap :)
ReplyDeletemakingmemom.blogspot.com
Whirlwind weeks, eh?
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!
hmmmm... i guess i'm not really sure, what kind of side effects did you have? i don't think i'm having any... yet, but i'm pretty sure the night sweats and hot flashes will be starting any day now.
ReplyDeleteHope you had a happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteThis is a post I wish I'd written. It's the kind of thing that we all do - a sort of stream of consciousness way of thinking, but you did it so well. I love that you walk us through your contacts with other bloggers during the week and we have a glimpse into your thoughts - not just the "things" or "events" of your life. It's nearly poetry if you ask me.
ReplyDelete