I am still in utter disbelief. I can’t understand what went wrong and where. I can’t ever understand these numbers. One particular IUI, a doc said that there was a 10 percent chance of success. I was mentally able to calculate the failure percentage, but I just could not comprehend the heartache of being in the rest 90 percent. This particular hospital I was with for IVF w/ICSI quoted a very high success rate (no, nothing phoney, that much is checked out). But again I just could not understand the grief of being on the other side of the success range. I just can’t absorb this in the first go.
There were so many positive vibes and signs this time. I had my mother with me all the time. God can’t prove even her correct? I have always trusted her to have a deeper, truer, stronger bond with God. Does she feel betrayed? I do not know. I will never ask her this question as well. I could be in any amount of trouble, but if my mother stood by me, I always knew that everything will be alright. She will make sure that my pain goes away. I had my mother touch my tummy after the ET. I hoped her magic words would boost whatever good was happening.
Thank you God, for pushing me further on the road to becoming a cynic. Or is that my innocent beliefs have always to be violently shattered by you – irreparable, inconsolable, and complete!
I had previously stated that I would post pics of the post-op recovery room, whenever I am able to. So here they are (the last pic is of the ceiling...what I saw from my bed):
^WiseGuy^
There were so many positive vibes and signs this time. I had my mother with me all the time. God can’t prove even her correct? I have always trusted her to have a deeper, truer, stronger bond with God. Does she feel betrayed? I do not know. I will never ask her this question as well. I could be in any amount of trouble, but if my mother stood by me, I always knew that everything will be alright. She will make sure that my pain goes away. I had my mother touch my tummy after the ET. I hoped her magic words would boost whatever good was happening.
Thank you God, for pushing me further on the road to becoming a cynic. Or is that my innocent beliefs have always to be violently shattered by you – irreparable, inconsolable, and complete!
I had previously stated that I would post pics of the post-op recovery room, whenever I am able to. So here they are (the last pic is of the ceiling...what I saw from my bed):
^WiseGuy^
Statistics suck. Your pictures are great. Thinking of you my friend. xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteI like your photos - I am so sorry about you getting the BFN. It never gets any easier and I hope things turn around soon. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletei got you comments... are you in the hospital? why???
ReplyDeleteit really hurts and it is so hard to accept when we are at the wrong side of statistics.
ReplyDeleteI think your anger towards god is absolutely natural. maybe you can find comfort somewhere else? A different philosophy or a different type of god, perhaps? I'm only suggesting this because you said you are leaning more towards being a cynic, and I've witnessed how much harder it is to go through rough times without any type of comforting belief.
((hug))
~hugs~
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. HUGS
ReplyDeleteStatistics do suck and are not to be trusted.
ReplyDeleteWilling good things for you.
We want to know our chances...so they tell us. Who decided the numbers? Hard to know.
ReplyDeleteEven, harder is how we fall. Sorry this is overwhelming. God surely isn't showing his hand..
I'm so sorry. We tend to trust numbers and want things to happen based on the numbers. That's what I always look out for. I hope whatever you do next brings you closer to your resolution.
ReplyDelete((((hugs))))
Sorry you're having such a hard time. Unfortunately, it really is a numbers game. Do you have any frozen from this cycle?
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. The odds are in your favor.
Ack- so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI hate ALWAYS feeling like we get the apple with the worm. I am sorry you are feeling so conflicted about God.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. It makes this whole sucky fertilty clinic madness that much more hard to take. Many hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI know I will come around. Just that I am in an overwhelmed overreacting rant-o-mania. It is so awful. I need time and space to get over this.
ReplyDeleteDora, I do not have any frozen embryos (Boo Hoo).
ReplyDeleteAnd Katery, I am not in the hospital.