My Lady of the Lantern

I had a major anxiety attack yesterday, and it took me a lot of time to just settle down. It happened so that last week, I paid out my share of what I had promised for the land we are purchasing in the hometown. The money went poof from my salary account. And what used to read something like 7,00,000 X read in the figures of 84,000 X. I have never seen such serious dwindling in my liquid reserves.  Suddenly, the money that was always there is just not there. I can't splurge. I cringe everytime I pay for anything these days. Then, Gracy asked for some advance on Saturday.  On Monday they floated a form in the office, and I realized that Feb salary would get delayed because of the tax filing that every single person has to do. Oh God! That feeling of spending money that you don't have, is so heavy these days.  I have money in a lot of places...some into fixed deposits, some invested into the share market. It is just that I don't have the honey jar now. I w...

It's my first post of 2019, I should be adding confetti to the post. I can't!  L turned eight years today.  March/April will be a month of upheaval for the family, and right now, even though, March won't come before March, and April won't come before April, it does not prevent the anxiety cat from sitting on the windowsill already.  I will be going to my hometown jobless, with a mortgage on my name. Kids will be going to a new school that was in our consideration set and not choice set. Hubby dreams of eventually getting my in-law's house in shape, and a joint family setup, but that will be a whole lot of adjustment on its own. On the plus side, I will be putting up at my parents' place for the initial months so daily life should be easier. I have resigned already, but will be working till Feb end to say the least (and I need the money).

~~TMI Ahead~~ (Sorry, can't manage to write anything unless body fluids are involved) So, Wow! I almost wrote a positive post yesterday because, I hadn't been spotting for the last two days. But guess what happened again today? What happened when I was in the middle of a workday and felt a gush? Hello, brown spotting ! Not that I had been missing it. It can shoo away already. I came back to my cabin after a loo trip to see if any clothes were damaged. It was just the undie. I swallowed a Tren.axa. I put a newspaper on my office chair because I did not want to ruin it. I went through my day just like that. I couldn't have been happier to have come back home. I washed my underwear. I have been washing my underwear separately very frequently this month because I keep on ruining it. I brought myself some medicine that I had barely stopped taking on Monday evening. I found a bottle that's still got a year to its expiry - a tonic that I took post-pregnancy for dysfun...

~~TMI Ahead~~ Last fortnight has been a flurry of activity. We had a belated birthday party for M turning 4 on Dec 1. At that point of time, we also had guests at home. The party went well. What happened next day was unexpected. I suddenly fell very, very ill. I had the chills, and fever. The blood test next day indicated I had severe UTI, even though I did not have any of the symptoms. My fever recurred every six hours. Once I woke up at night, it would take a couple of hours for me to feel comfortable again, and it was a full seven days before I broke the fever cycle. However, what complicated matters was that I began fresh periods on De.cember 7. They came in super early given the fact that I had finished my last periods on Nove.mber 23rd itself.  This time my periods have been heavy, and though I am on CD7 today, in the morning, it felt more like CD3 than CD7.  I still feel very tired, and both my knees are aching. I still don't feel very good. It is winte...

I would never just go away from here, without telling so. If I ever just stop writing again, I will come back to still write a goodbye.  Life has been a whirlwind grindstone. I headed our flagship student event that concluded on No.vember 2, 2018. I was out of town for a week after that.  The whole task of getting to that actual event was just a lot of slogging that took up most of my working time, and some of my holidays and weekends too.  Somewhere around that time, Figlia got very sick, and had to be hospitalized for about 4 days. She is fine now.  We hired a private tutor for M. He continues to lag in writing/identifying alphabets and numbers. He has improved with his tutor, but the progress appears to have slowed down now. I am not expecting him to be an ace quickly, but would have him evaluated in case this persists.  In our future plans, we will be shifting back to our hometown early next year. 

We did go eventually, and I have already re-joined work. I was thinking the other day that life would be simple if I just sat at home, and they sent my salary home every month. But nopes, that is not how life is, is it? I worked the premise that taking one child with us for the vacation, was better than managing two, and boy, I forgot that I was leaving the reasonable one behind. M had epic tantrums through our vacation, and he sustained that behaviour even in the tailing visit.  See, I look quite alright but inside I am pot of boiling and bubbling insecurity and frustration. Gee, I can even shout when I am squabbling with my Mister. I have gone from being happy go lucky teenager to a really wound up adult, pretty angry with everyone around me. And though, there are a few good days when I am good, I am not good most days.  But I did not freak out when I realized that Figlia had li.ce in her hair. Yep! Combing and medicated shampoo, here we come! I do look at my yo...

The May-end plan for an off did not pan out.  What actually panned out was a mini-vacay plus trip to the hometown in June first week.  DH would have returned a bit early, and I would have stayed on for a couple of days. And then, work happens! Deadlines, the screaming witches of professional life, and crucial visits, inspections, reports....everyone wants to be here at work mid-June. Guess whose vacation sits precariously on the flip switch? But here's the other thing that has happened. A thought that has been swimming lazily for a while has become more prominent now. I am planning to shift to my hometown with the kids, early next year. I intend to shift as soon as their school term ends here. There is a huge list of challenges that go with that decision, and I will take that up later.  It is now firmly established that DH's business is not picking up, and he is in a professional deadlock of the stone wall kind. Maybe another post on that later. His day ...