My Lady of the Lantern

I am running my first periods of this year.  They came early, so I did not spend the two days prior to my periods when I am anxious about their arrival.   I started my gym membership in first week of January, and I have been mostly consistent with my attendance. I am not doing spectacular, but currently my focus is to make it a habit. I have been in a bad place mentally and emotionally, and I am still struggling.  However, my finest art is not falling apart at my worst . So, I am not taking any decisions in haste. Right around the time of what would have been L's birthday, DH and I disappeared for a very short trip. We left kids with Gracy and the grandparents, and the truth be told, that trip could not have happened at a better time, because I was just breaking inside.  Have you heard that statement, "Truth is stranger than fiction"? I can bet on it now. Except the flame is burning in my home. 

I stand in a hallway, see doors every where. I don't want to be in the hallway, but it is not an option. The doors go either ways, but no matter what door I open, my hands will be scorched. I am fuzzy. The question of how I got into the maze is still quarreling with my scheme to get out, and my brain is none the straighter. The maze is not interminable, but it ticks in a way I can't lay my hand on. It evolves itself.  The mirrors are not kind here. There is no way to hide those things which one is ashamed of. It is dark, but not dark enough. There is light, but not for illumination.  The children's voices call out. I hear other voices too. I am weary. I cannot think straight. I dont feel good. I feel dragged. I am free to move, but the movement is painful.  I think of Bree's mum's mask. I think of Fatal Attraction.  I think of Plath. ( Image credit: Mask finger painted by Figlia )

M walked independently for the first time last night. I am glad to have witnessed it.

Mel says that it is International Delurking Week. And I too would love to know who all are here. So please, whether you are a regular commenter or someone who reads but does not comment, I would just love a show of hands that says, "Hi Elsie, I am here." Maybe you can tell me a little bit of what you plan to do in 2016. Are you excited about this year? Or you may not answer and just leave a Hello. And thank you for being here. (Image taken from Mel)

My 38th birthday happened a couple of days before NYE.  I will call it a nice birthday...the last nice birthday happened in 2012 (a quiet dinner out, food was awesome).  This time everything could have been downhill, mostly because Figlia is again having an episode of upset bowels. But things were better than expected.  I have not felt special in a long time, and DH made a genuine attempt at 'special'. I came home to balloons in the hall, and a cake with my photo. Hubby came home before me, and was home all evening (which is a big thing in itself). Figlia, Hubby and I picked up M together. The four of us went for a drive. We had dinner at home. He made a surprise gift - a collage of me with the kids, us, and my parents.  It is good.  I checked his phone on reflex. No Molly.  I had been mulling over what word to work on for 2016, and I was thinking of Mindfulness. But I changed my theme.  For 2016, my word is gratefulness ....

....I have faced two distinct moments of Ewwww with both the kids. I will spare you the details.  ....I have just gotten over sore throat/body ache/headache/ nasal congestion, and my periods started the same day that the symptoms emerged. I loved winters, but not this kind, the kind when I am shivering through.  ....M can now climb down, and get up on the sofa we have in our living room. He shows interest in stacking things, pulling down stuff and keeping it back.  ....Figlia was not able to (she just could not figure it out) drink using straws till just before her second birthday. M is already doing it, and doing it well. .... It was the first show of sibling rivalry by Figlia last evening. The tantrum was horrible. Eventually, she did calm down, and in the night, DH and I were able to tell her why her line of thinking was not justified. .... M has a runny nose, and it is just not going away. His colic is better though. 

I am little nervous composing this post. I don't want another mud-slinger out in the world. I don't want a grading of right and wrong. Hubby and I had another blowout yesterday morning. It started at the fact that Figlia would soon have her winter vacations. Gracy is not very good with coming on time. Her time to report home is 10:00 am but she is always a "little late". Hubby blew at the fact that this meant that his gym time would get shortened. He goes to gym a little after 9:30 am and reaches office from there by 11:00 am.  Now that Figlia would be home, he cannot leave till Gracy comes and takes charge - perfect context for a daily war.  And I was not willing to let him go at 6 a.m....leaving me alone with two kids who are half-awake, and chores that need to be done in the morning. Since he can push his sign-in time into the office. I spontaneously suggested that he could reach 15 minutes post the current time, and what difference would it be? Hubb...